If Only
by Cybercitizen
Summary: Anna has spent all her life pining for a woman she can never love. Because that woman is her own sister. (Elsanna, one sided, angst, Modern AU, Gift for Halladelle)


Some people would say that family was a bond stronger than any romantic love. Anna Summers would disagree with that statement. For her, romantic love was stronger than the bond between any family member, especially between her and one family member in particular.

She had grown up as the younger child in her family, being outshined by her talented and wonderful older sister Elsa. Even though Anna was a bit on the sidelines in the family, her parents taking a great interest in Elsa's life and studies, her sister was always there for her.

Throughout their childhood, Elsa and Anna had been the best of friends, playing and doing pretty much everything together, when Elsa wasn't busy with her studies. Being such a prodigy, Elsa moved up the school muck quicker than Anna did.

But even if they weren't academic equals, Anna and Elsa still remained the best buddies, but as they got older, Anna started to notice certain things. She found herself admiring Elsa more, her body, the way she composed herself.

Anna couldn't explain it at first, but one day, again thanks to Elsa, she finally had her answer. She and Elsa were talking in their bedroom one night, the two of them really should have been asleep by that hour. As Anna tossed and turned, Elsa spoke up then at that moment.

"Anna," she said. "Can I... can I tell you something?"

"Y-Yeah, what is it, Elsa?" Anna had replied, looking at her sister. "Is there something wrong?"

"No... but I want to get something off my chest." She sighed. "Anna... I think I like girls."

"You... like girls?" the redhead repeated. "As you're a-"

"Lesbian? Maybe, I don't know yet," Elsa stated, lying back on the pillow. "All I know is... there's a lot more about myself that I don't know. It's just... whenever I'm near a girl, I just can't help being happy for some reason. I can't explain it."

Elsa didn't need to explain. Anna had already caught on. From that moment on, Anna had known the truth. She liked girls too and more importantly... she liked Elsa. Of course, Anna thought it was innocent at first, that she had a blatant crush on her sister.

But as time went by, Anna soon came to realise her feelings were a lot more than just innocent. She learned that relations between siblings were completely forbidden, for ethical and medical reasons. This was a heartbreak to young Anna.

Still, she accepted her feelings, forbidden as they were. Over the years, she still spent time with Elsa, being friendly and sweet with her, trying her best not to push open the envelope too much. She was ashamed for every time she cuddled Elsa, part of her wanted to kiss her or make love to her.

She wasn't a religious girl in any way, but Anna knew she was committing some great sin by lusting for her sister all this time. But she continued to be happy for Elsa in any way she could. She even helped set Elsa up with a cute girl for her prom date.

In the years since they had graduated from school, Anna and Elsa had drifted apart. Anna found herself with a quiet job and home, never dating since her heart would always belong to Elsa.

Her sister, on the other hand, got quite successful with her life. She got quite a high paying job and she even got married. Anna was very happy for Elsa and her wife, but she secretly wished she had been Elsa's blushing bride.

One afternoon, Anna was working from home, as she usually did. Anna did like going out, but she had always hated the idea of a stress-filled job. As she finished typing up her document, she sighed, closing her laptop.

Just as she was going to get up, she heard the sound of a doorbell ringing. It seemed Anna had a visitor. Smiling, Anna got up. She assumed it was a delivery person, probably an Amazon order that had been slightly delayed.

When Anna arrived at the door, to her complete surprise, she found Elsa waiting for her. The blonde was smiling, wearing a casual looking denim jacket. She grinned, waving at Anna. "Hey, Anna."

Anna smiled shyly, waving to her sister. "Oh, Elsa... Hi."

Elsa smirked, walking inside. "I just thought I'd pop round, see how you were doing. It's been ages since we talked in person."

There was a reason that Anna hadn't seen Elsa in person. Any conversation the two of them usually had was either via Skype or by texting each other. Anna always felt a bit uncomfortable around Elsa, especially now that they had both matured into adults.

Elsa walked into the living room, looking around at the rather plain appearance of Annas apartment. "I see you've not gotten round to decorating."

"I get distracted a lot, you know me," Anna admitted, sitting opposite her sister on an armchair. As Elsa sat down, Annas thoughts could only picture the blonde in some perverted pose.

No, She shouldn't be doing that. Elsa was a pure and innocent soul. Anna didn't want to ruin that image, but Elsa was so breathtakingly gorgeous. _Don't do this, Anna_ , the redhead said in her thoughts. _She's a married woman._

As Elsa relaxed, the blonde smiled. "You know, I miss being with you in person. How come you never wanted to move in with Sarah and I when we got married? We could have still been together."

"I..." Anna spoke. Did she dare say it now? Even when she and Elsa were older and they had clear lived a good deal of their lives? No, she shouldn't. Elsa was happy, Anna didn't want to ruin that. She couldn't ruin that. "I just wanted to do things on my own."

Elsa looked a little disheartened, but she respected that. Taking Anna's hand, she smiled reassuringly. "That's okay, Anna, you'd always be welcome in our home at anytime. But... You really need to start looking for that special someone. I'd hate to see you lonely."

 _I already have_ , Anna's thoughts confessed. She was simply so in love with Elsa and even if Elsa was with another, she'd remain single, just in case a miracle would happen and Elsa wound indeed return her affections. But that was a pipe dream, nothing more.

The two sisters continued to chat for a little while longer, before it became apparent that Elsa needed to be getting home to her beloved wife. Anna was understanding, although it pained her to see Elsa go. She wished she could stay forever, but they both had other obligations to their lives now.

Standing in the entrance hall, Anna watched as Elsa put on her coat and smiled at her. She was still so beautiful, after all these years. The redhead knew she had to do something. She ran towards Elsa, and hugged her tightly, crying a little bit.

"H-Hey," Elsa gasped, a bit surprised. "What's the hugging for, baby sis?"

"Sorry... I'm just a bit emotional," Anna excused, knowing full well that she was lying. She didn't want Elsa to go, she wanted to stay with her and never leave. But that thought was unhealthy. If Elsa knew how much Anna's thoughts of her had sunk, she'd probably be disgusted.

Elsa smiled, stroking Anna's cheek. "Don't worry, I'll call you later in the week." She then turned away, starting to walk from the apartment.

"Wait!" Anna called out. "Elsa... I love you... as a sister, of course."

The blonde blushed a little, but it wasn't a blush out of romantic attraction as Anna would have wanted. "Awww... I love you too, Anna... as a sister." And that's when Elsa shut the door, and Anna heard her walking away. That was when the penny dropped.

Running to her bedroom, Anna threw herself onto the bed, crying her eyes out. She hugged her pillow tightly, sobbing. Fate had cursed her to this suffering, this torment. Elsa, her sister, the most perfect woman in the world had been kept away for so long.

To love Elsa was a joy for Anna, but it was also a deep curse. One that Elsa could never know the truth of. And the words of Elsa's goodbye continued to haunt Anna.

"As a sister... as a sister..."

Anna hugged herself, crying more. "I'm a monster..."

xXx

 **Author's note:** Aaaaand the angst train continues. Don't worry, the next fics will be fluffy. I'm not that much of a heartless monster. This one was for my dear friend Halladelle. She wanted one-sided Elsanna angst and I came and delivered. Hope you enjoy!


End file.
